12.23.2009

A most influential 2009

We all make mistakes. We all make certain decisions that might require certain forgiveness from others. It is easy to be on this side of forgiveness; to be the one who needs to be forgiven. But what about the other side? What about being the one who needs to forgive someone else?

I had never had a friend really betray me. I have had fights and tiffs with buddies and family members. I have even held dumb little grudges until I was bored of them. But I had never come upon a happening that has stayed inside my heart like a sharp, stuck needle for any long period of time. The first time something like this occurs in a person's life is monumental- the first time they are acted upon in guile, jealousy, or anger by a loved one.

It happened to me in the spring of this year. It was the first time I have had a hard time merely thinking about someone. Not because they were hard to remember, but because thinking about the person made me nauseous, angry, and heartbroken at the same time. I was mad at her for a long time for the one decision she made that would eventually place poison into our friendship; a decision that would change the path of my life dramatically. I attempted to forgive her and I thought I had. But thinking about the event and the person continued to make me red in the face and pained in the heart. I had to admit to myself that I wasn't sure how this process was supposed to happen. It hindered me and it hindered my progress; I see that now, looking back. I used up a lot of emotional and mental energy on wasteful feelings and thoughts.

One day, last week, I woke up feeling different. It was a good day, like any other. But something inside was more serene than usual. Something inside my mind had been silenced. All trace of malice for this person had disappeared. I found myself wandering onto her Facebook that afternoon, which I had previously deleted (I didn't want to know what she was up to and I didn't want her to know what I was up to. I wanted to delete her from my life completely.). As I looked at her picture, I felt calm, a long-forgotten emotion to the image.

Without thinking, I clicked "Send a Message" and started typing a simple message, asking her how she was. It wasn't much. In fact, it was only about nine words long, but it made an impact on my life. Almost taken back by the realization, it occurred to me what was different. I had finally let go. I had forgiven her and I had forgiven myself for being so hostile.

Now, when I think back to that day of unpleasant and bitter happenings, I feel no anger, no frustration, no pain. My mind and my heart have both learned that the past is out of my control, as are others' choices. The sharp, stuck needle in my heart is gone. But it wasn't candidly pulled out; it was quietly dissolved by prayer and time.

1 comment:

Staci said...

you are a humble person caty! Everytime I have done that forgiven someone i usually get stabbed back again b/c they don't want to accept my love and friendship. It is hurtful but you just have to be the bigger person and let things go b/c in the end thats what Heavenly Father wants for all his children..unconditional love!